Contemplative

Well, I've taken to thinking as of late. Contemplating, dreaming... seeking wisdom, guidance and grace as I prepare for this somewhat vague step that looms out in front of me.

Ironic, it would seem. While in one hand I feel I have more vision, purpose, and direction for my life... I still feel this awkward sense of uncertainty looming over my head. Though I can see the steps I need to take laid out before me, there is still the ominous feeling that I am taking blind steps of faith.

It stirs up an interesting combination of excitement and nervousness inside of me. The future, while held in God's hands, is still a mystery to me. The path that I will take to translate my dreams to reality has not been fully illuminated to me... only a few steps with an almost awkward spotlight on certain areas.

I want my dreams to be fulfilled so bad. There are so many times I can see myself walking in those shoes... doing the things that I dream about doing. These dreams help me to justify the time I spend in preparation, but than again there's the horrible doubts that like to crawl up like termites and gnaw away at my foundations.

Will these things ever truly come to pass?
Am I wasting time dreaming and planning?
Will I ever truly get to China to do those things I so desire to do?

So I sit here, in meditation and contemplation, praying that the dreams I feel have been placed inside will not always merely be the dreams of a 20-something college student, but precursors to the life I was always created to live.

Reflection

It is a beautiful fall morning in East Texas, marked by its signature light breeze that keeps the blue flags on the "anvil" dancing and the crispness in the air that makes every breath feel like a gentle kiss from the Father. It would seem that the highly anticipated Fall has arrived in Texas... finally.

It is truly a glorious birthday present from my Father.

Despite frustrations, difficulties, and times of pressure, I choose to make this day different. Not in the self-conscious, pseudo-strength of my own humanity and not even, solely, because it is my birthday. On the contrary, in essence I am choosing this day who I will serve, as Joshua did so long ago. I do not desire to exalt myself or the situations I find myself in, but choose to exalt God, Almighty. Times when we are hard pressed will continue to come- Christ told us this before His return to His Father's right hand. But these times of trial are used to provoke us to a closer relationship with our LORD; they spur us to maturity.

So, perhaps it is due to my birthday I choose this new outlook on life and the situations that surround it. Not that celebrating another successfully completed year of existence bestows "bonus" maturity or wisdom points to anyone. It just seems that its about time I started living my life, not having my life live me.

Thank you, God, for helping my through another year. There is no way that I could ever have made it this far without You and the friends and family you have so richly blessed me with. Help me to make this year different from the rest; one where I grow closer and closer to You and the calling that You have placed on my life.

Do the tears make it selfish?

Do the tears make it selfish?

Do I dare mourn for the imminent loss that waits just around the corner?

This collapse of so much that I have come to know will cost me greatly; more so than many could ever perceive.

Even yet, there is this strange peace that engulfs it all. A peace the surpasses all understand, just as promised. Praise God for that. And this peace brings in a new perspective- a clearer vision of how the situation really should be perceived.

How can I mourn for something that hasn't died? On the contrary, something is finally coming to life, like a child that grows in the shelter of its mother so as to reach maturity, untainted, before being brought into the world. And just as an expectant mother is jubilant when this child breathes its first breath on its own, so I should rejoice for what is about to begin living on its own.

With this peace and excitement for those things that God is about to begin doing... memories of the journey that has brought us all to this place replay in my head. The laughter echoes through my mind. The faces shuffle across my imagination. Times that are so precious to me; memories I wouldn't change or trade for anything in this world.

Sadly, this trek down memory lane only reminds me that so much around me will soon be unrecognizable. I cannot help but wonder at all the changes that await at my doorstep. This realization brings tears to my eyes and I wonder...

Do the tears make it selfish?

Shifting Changes

It's all going to change. Every part of it... never to be the same. Tomorrow will look nothing like today because today will be gone forever. Nothing stays the same...ever. You will realize just how precious the time we've been given is right before you realize its almost over.

And sure, things might look the same for a while. Maybe all of the scenery hasn't changed or some of the same players are in the game. Only the rules of the game are far different now. The once so familiar sights are seen with new perspective and different light. The actors in the play now operate in completely different roles. So while things might be the same... things are still very, very different.

But is that all bad? Not necessarily. No, these constant change and shuffle only goes to prove the Sovereignty of God- that even though things around us might constantly be shifting in and out of focus, Jehovah promises to always be consistent. He is our Rock that will not shift or change- the stability we need in a world where everything is constantly shifting and in motion.

When the world rocks around you and it looks like things are crashing down... where else can we turn to? Trusting in God doesn't make the tears sting any less as they cascade down your cheek. It doesn't make the churching in your stomach dissipate as you watch your world crumble around you. No, it doesn't save us from our own emotions- it teaches us to trust in something so much more powerful than our emotions could ever be! It reminds us that Christ suffered emotional highs and lows during His time here ... And that His sole source of strength came from trusting in the Father.

Good of God?

There you are: casually living your life, existing without any hindrances or obtrusive entanglements when suddenly...

BAM!

You find yourself flat on the ground, looking up at the sky as the clouds spin wildly out of control above you thinking, "What on earth just broadsided me? And what do I do about it now?"

No, it can't simply be the casual things- you're staring into the face of something that has the potential to shape the rest of your life. Doors that might be opened... Others that might be closed. Balancing between the all-encompassing question:

"Is this good? Or is the God?"

Then all of a sudden it hits you: What if there isn't really a right or wrong in this situation? What if it isn't a test of whether or not you will choose to follow His will. Its just choosing how God will manifest Himself to you...

The footsteps of the righteous are ordered by God...

But where do the next set of footsteps begin?

Ruined

When you look out at the world and realize that things aren't as picture perfect as you once thought they were... it leaves a mark on you. A burden is placed on your soul that doesn't just drift away. No, it changes you.

When a child tells you that they can't color the picture you gave them because they don't have crayons back home, its shocking at first. Surely you heard that wrong. You don't have any crayons? And not only do you not have crayons... you can't even go buy a box? You live in America. This is a land of prosperity- how can a five-year old child not own a box of crayons? Poverty like this... exists? Here?

When you begin sharing the Gospel of Jesus with a little child and they look back at you in perplexed wonder and tell you they've never heard of Jesus before...

You wake up.

While you once thought you where immune to foolish, childish ideas of how the world looks, you suddenly realize that you have no clue how the world really functions. You have no clue what poverty looks like. You have no clue what hopelessness looks like.

It looks like the little kid down the street who doesn't wear shoes... and its not by their own choice.

It looks like the children ravaged by the AIDS epidemic in Africa that we so quickly dismiss and sweep aside, assuming that God will place it on someone else's heart to intercede and do something about it.

It looks like the little ones trapped in slavery and bondage, suffering in ways that defy every aspect of our logic and go farther than our worst nightmares.

It looks like your neighbors and schoolmates who seem fine on the outside, while we know that deep down they are on the brink of collapse.

It's these "little" things that change you. They change you in such ways that you want to stay changed forever.

They ruin you.

In a good way.

I pray that we all become ruined in this way...

God Show

This world is not about us.

Yeah, this can come as a shock for many of us. So much of what we do, what we listen to, what we seed into- we do for self-centered reasoning. We seek to feed our lust for self-gratification like a dog in heat. We build grotesque monuments to ourselves that would rival the Tower of Babel.

What was the purpose of Babel? The people unified themselves to build a monument that would reach the heavens. Why? Where their motives to reach a closer level of intimacy with God, a nearness that couldn't be obtained any other way?

Not hardly.

They weren't seeking a closeness to God. They wanted to rival God. They'd bought into the lie of the Garden, the original sin that promised equality with God...and maybe even to surpass Him. With unified vision and purpose, mankind set out to construct themselves into superiority.

Consider what advancements could have been made if mankind, utilizing that same unification, set out to fulfill the command God had given them, to cover the Earth with the knowledge of Jehovah God.

Instead, God had to come down and scatter them across the world.

Look at us today? Are we all that different? Men build for themselves monuments to showcase their glory, though not always physical. We've elevated ourselves to where we think we are something far greater than what we really are:

We are small.
We are minuscule.
We are one against the backdrop of 6.2 Billion people across the world- 99.999999999% have never and will never know who you are.
We are not.

But GOD is.

Everything we aren't, God is.

And everything that He is, He wants to share with us. Not so that we can become self-righteous and to build up our already overly-inflated egos, but so that we can remain humble in the sight of an all encompassing, all enveloping God.

So let's face the facts: This life is not about us.

Everything is about God. It's His show.

Short Story

So it started.
A day like any other day: a sunrise birthing light and life, morning awaking with all of its ruckus and activity. Some smile, some frown- few fully realize. Even fewer are grateful.
But still, it starts.
Not with a "bang" or unusuality. Just... a day.
Like today.